A Conversation On Why Health Care Sucks

May 27, 2012 in Humor

First the View...Now this?Health care in the USA scares me more every day, seeing familiar faces go in for treatment and come out with horror stories. My good friend Cary, a lawyer, had the unfortunate experience of undergoing back surgery for a herniated disc. Of course the grapevine ballooned his story into something fantastic, so I simply had to call him to get things straight:

“Okay Cary, so am I the only friend who really thought you injured your back bungee jumping in Outer Mongolia?”

“C’mon Bird, you should know better. What would I be doing there? I run a practice in Jersey.”

“So what happened?”

 “I hold a doctorate in “klutzology,” you should know that – Just as I was walking leisurely about during our cruise to St. Thomas, I tripped over a pot hole.

“That sounds more like a Jersey lawyer. You know, I had to be worried. Say the words ‘back surgery’ and we’re all afraid you’re going to be disabled for the rest of your life.”

“You’d worry yourself like that for me?”

“Well, the pain pills did sound like a nice perk to offset it all, just kidding.”

“You’re crazy Bird. Anyway, there’s a lot they do now for treatment – my surgeon holds the title of a God with my family.”

“Don’t all the doctors carry the title of God?”

He chuckled.

“You got back home pretty fast. I guess med tech has gotten pretty advanced”

“No, that’s all determined by the insurance company’s bean counters. You know, that actually is an occupational code. Not many people know that.”

“I’d like to think they try schedule procedures with medicine in mind, don’t they ask you lots of questions on your history?”

“They spent more time telling me I couldn’t eat or drink this or that ‘n how long. Bird, don’t get sick on a weekend. Really, I couldn’t tell if I was being scheduled around surgery times or Yom Kippur services.”

“I’m guessing you didn’t exactly get lox ‘n bagels the morning after, did you?”

“I got a choice of apple juice, cranberry or ginger ale.”

“I like ginger ale.”

“It gives me gas. And when the heck did ginger ale become a health food? Next thing, you’ll see hospitals classing ketchup as a vegetable.”

“Oh Cary, it’s already far worse than that.”

“I wouldn’t want to find out. Soon as I could urinate, I was out of there.”

“So you didn’t really have such a horrible time?”

“Only at one point.”

“How’s that?”

“First coming out of the O.R., didn’t know night or day from dreaming or waking.”

“They overdid the anesthesia?”

“No, the TV”

“What?”

“You really wanna wake up from surgery watching the View?”